theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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