Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
