I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
