You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Help me help you realize you are a moron
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
