dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
