she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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