it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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