I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
