Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
