I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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