If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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