dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
