bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
