in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Drunk walkin through police station. America
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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