First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
