you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
