normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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