Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
