thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
