Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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