Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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