i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
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