Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Randomize
