he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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