I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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