I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
