You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
