Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
