god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
