Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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