operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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