the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
