Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
my liver is dry heaving
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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