I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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