I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
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