I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
