Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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