my phone needs a breathalizer
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
