You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
