i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
