Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
