So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
