I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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