Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
