i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
