dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
