Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
