And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
