The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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