i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
